Verbally Slapping the Shit Out of Fascists

Gonzo Report #99

My fellow Americans,

Shocking to no one, I’m increasingly, righteously, pissed off.

The fascist fuckery continues—ICE raids across the nation in large cities, medium-sized suburbs, and small towns; increasing, invasive scrutiny for cross-border travel; direct threats of taking away our rights from the ghouls in the White Supremacy House; arresting elected leaders; the list goes on and I break down all of this and more below.

But first, there’s one question that repeats on a loop in my head. Maybe you ask yourself this, too?

“Who the fuck do these fascist pigs think they are?”

Last I checked, this was the goddamned United States of America, and while we could easily draft an inexhaustable list of reasons why this country sucks a bag of dicks, it’s still our fucking country so we can say it sucks a bag of dicks if we want to. We have the right to free speech, guaranteed under the Constitution. We can criticize this (or any other) fucking country if we so desire. We can write angry shitposts like this one. We can call the president a fucking moron or the vice-president a couch fucker. We can say that a certain senior policy advisor sleeps hanging upside down from the rafters of his cave when he isn’t feasting on the blood of small rodents. The point is that we have rights established by law and precedent, and just because a clusterfuck of fascist assholes infiltrated our government it doesn’t mean that we allow them to destroy our lives or our nation.

I am sick to death of these corrupt, power-hungry, money-grubbing, greedy, lying, murderous pigs bowing to King Shit-for-Brains like he’s Supreme Leader and expecting that we are going to go along with whatever he and his cadre of bootlicking thugs do—that they’re going to take everything we have, everything we’ve busted our asses working for, take away our rights, make us live in fear, and steal our future?

Fuck them and fuck that.

They think they can tell us what we’re allowed to say, what books we can read and what we can write, what opinions we can or cannot express, what we can watch or who we can listen to, where we can go, who we can or cannot oppose, what we can post online, how we identify and present ourselves, who we can love, what we can learn, what we keep private, and how much pain we will tolerate before we break.

We are Americans. Since when have we been a people known for kissing ass? We are, by nature, overly confident and unfathomably stubborn. If it’s trouble they want, we’ll give them fucking trouble. We don’t lie down and take it. We don’t surrender—we fight. We don’t comply—we defy. We shove our middle fingers directly in the face of injustice and oppression. We show our entire ass and invite motherfuckers to kiss it. They’re turning the screws on us, a little more every day. A steady drip, drip, drip of democracy down the drain.

My point is that everyone—every single piece of shit—in this fascist regime can go fuck themselves—from Mango Mussolini himself, to the Appalachain Couch Fucker, on down the chain to the pleeb who powders Pete Kegstand’s face and whoever serves as zoo attendee, tossing live chickens into Tom Homan’s gaping maw.

Someday, everyone in this regime will hopefully be hauled before The Hague, tried, and convicted for their crimes against humanity. All are complicit. None are innocent. Give each of them the due process they’re allowed by law (unlike them, we don’t advocate for illegal arrest and imprisonment) and then, when they’ve been exposed for the Nazis they are, lock them away in maximum security prisons and launch the keys into the sun.

Carefully consider the unmitigated gall these lowlife bastards possess—the nerve they have, compelling them to put their craven subservience to a convicted felon above not just their oath to the Constitution, but above the lives of every human being in this country.

The United States government is a terrorist organization.

This week, watching Pam Bondi, Kash Patel, and Kristi Noem sit before Congress, radiating smug, above-the-law arrogance as they’re asked legitimate questions about their illegal and immoral actions, makes my blood boil. These people are not above the law—they are arrogant villains operating with impunity under an assurance of protection granted them by their fat-slob, spray-tanned, dumb-fuck mob-boss, who will shield them from accountability until he no longer has a use for them, at which time he will do what Machiavellian crooks do—throw them under the bus faster than you can say the ends justify the means.

But these three morons—Bondi, Patel, and Noem—are so blinded by avarice they can’t see past their own insatiable bloodlust. Allow me to verbally slap the shit out of these three stooges.

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Pam Bondi is a grandstanding idiot, and every time she opens that trash chute she calls a mouth, she exposes herself as the kid who never cracked the textbook but overcompensates for her ignorance with bombastic speech and feigned indignation. I prefer to call her Sham Blondi.

As someone desperate to sound authoritative, she fails spectacularly, and in an attempt to hide the fact that she’s a loathsome fraud who bullshitted her way into her role at the DOJ, she goes completely overboard, lavishing Dear Leader with sickening amounts of saccarine praise with the hope that, by ingratiating herself as his most loyal stormtrooper, perhaps no one will catch on that she’s nothing more than a bleached-blonde, vapid airhead from the murky swampland of Florida who has nothing of value to offer other than being a vacuous, North Korean-level ass-kisser.

Frankly, it’s embarrassing to watch her flail about while her orange puppetmaster pulls her strings—but she signed up for this willingly, so fuck her and the high horse she rode to Washington on.

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Kash Patel is fully qualified as a goddamned psychopath, but wholly unqualified to lead the nation’s top law enforcement agency. Look at those crazy eyes. Clock that vacant death stare. There is nothing but predatory ambition and a bottomless darkness behind that dead-eyed zombie gaze.

Watch him endlessly fidget. He’s an uptight, nervous little fucker. Those are the erratic tics of a disturbed mind—and, from personal experience, I’ve witnessed cocaine addicts exhibit the same behavior. Speculation aside, Patel is an opportunistic snake who slithered his way into the FBI, leaving a trail of QAnon conspiracy theories in his wake. His rapid ascent from guy-who-wrote-batshit—insane-children’s-books-about-Donald-Trump to FBI Director is the story of blind, cultish devotion to a fascist dictator. Patel serves only one man and his criminal regime that rewards loyalty over competence, extremism over expertise, and vengeance over justice.

For Trump, Patel was the perfect useful idiot—a brainwashed tool who’s more than willing to yield the power of federal law enforcement as a personal revenge squad for the bronzer-drenched, diaper-clad tyrant who installed him.

Maybe if someone slapped the fucking shit out of this disrespectful sewer rat, his eyes would uncross and he’d learn some goddamn manners.

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Kristi Noem is a puppy killer. I know that’s common knowledge at this point, but stop for a moment and really consider that. The woman shot her own puppy in the face. Only a monster could even fathom such ghoulish violence toward another living creature, much less a puppy.

Noem is a soulless, opportunistic ghoul who’d sell out her own children for a pat on the head from Big Pig. She’s the regime’s Cosplay Barbie—she’s been a cop, a cowboy, a soldier—but no matter the costume, she’s always a fraud. If there’s a camera, she’s there—caked in 32 layers of warpaint foundation, more botox than brain cells, hair extensions whipping in the wind, desperate to hide the ugliness on the outside while the ugliness inside radiates forth, uncontainable and unrestrained.

But don’t let the made-for-TV façade distract you from the real threat—Noem’s contempt for the Constitution is as in-your-face as her fake eyelashes. She’s made a career out of trampling over the rights of anyone who doesn’t fit the MAGA mold—whether it’s oppressing reproductive rights advocates, bulldozing Indigenous rights, or muzzling journalists who dare to question her—she may be mostly made of plastic, but she’s an authentic, natural-born fascist.

Like Bondi, Patel, and the rest of the bootlickers in this regime, her ironclad fealty to Der Fuhrer isn’t merely embarrassing—it’s life-threateningly dangerous to everyone in America. So, while she parades around in her latest costume, slathered in enough makeup to spackle a pothole, remember that behind the atypical lipstick-laden MAGA smile is a soulless automaton—a vindictive and ruthless enforcer for a fascist regime that openly despises everything the Constitution stands for.

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Fuck these people.

I, for one, will not be intimidated, bullied, or silenced. If you’re able, please support my work so I can support my family—they will need it if anything happens to me. You can back me by becoming a paid subscriber.

Thank you for supporting my commitment to fight these fascist motherfuckers.

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U.S. Customs and Border Patrol is now setting up roadblocks, inspecting, questioning, investigating, and—in some cases—detaining and imprisoning people who try to leave the United States through Canadian border crossings. I’ve witnessed video evidence of this on TikTok, and some Canadian media sources are now beginning to report on it. CBP claims they’re looking for “wanted individuals” and contraband.

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Today, when pinhead ghoul Stephen Miller was giving remarks to reporters outside the White House, he stated that the Trump regime is “actively looking at” suspending habeas corpus. This comes amid ongoing judicial blocks against the regime’s mass deportation agenda. He argued that the Constitution “permits suspension of habeas corpus in times of invasion,” and described this as an option they’re considering, further suggesting that the decision depends on “whether the courts do the right thing.” Habeas corpus is a fundamental constitutional right that protects individuals from unlawful detention by allowing them to challenge the legality of their imprisonment before a court. Without it, the government can snatch up and imprison anyone, without just cause, for an indefinite amount of time.

Of course, the regime is already snatching people off the streets, throwing them in detention centers, deporting them to foreign gulags, and trampling due process rights. But here’s the difference: suspending habeas corpus isn’t just another escalation for show—it’s the regime coming out in the open, with a formal declaration that the rule of law is dead, and that nobody—citizen or non-citizen—is safe from the machinery of state violence. Right now, at least there’s still a thin legal thread, however frayed, connecting people to the courts—some last-ditch hope for justice. Cut that thread, disconnect that lifeline, and the regime doesn’t even have to pretend anymore. It’s open season. No more court filings or appeals, no more judges, just raw, unchecked power consolidated in the executive. That’s the final nail in the coffin.

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Newark Mayor Ras Baraka was arrested today at the Delaney Hall ICE detention center during a protest against its opening. Baraka, who has been outspoken in his opposition to the facility, was charged with trespassing. Acting U.S. Attorney for New Jersey, and strip-mall lawyer who (poorly) represented Trump in court on numerous occasions, Alina Habba announced the arrest on social media, stating that Baraka had “chosen to disregard the law” and confirming that he was taken into custody. Here’s the skinny: Habba wanted to score points with Shitler and decided to make an example out of a Black democratic mayor who happens to be running for governor and refuses to play nice with the fascist regime currently squatting in Washington. Habba, a third-rate legal mouthpiece who parlayed her humiliating losses defending Trump into a cushy gig as interim U.S. Attorney, wasted no time blasting out Baraka’s arrest on social media, all-caps posting “NO ONE IS ABOVE THE LAW”-as if the law means a goddamn thing when it’s being weaponized against those who are actually fighting for justice. The mayor has since been released, but this follows the blueprint Homan laid out weeks ago when he threatened state and local officials with arrest and prosecution if they impede ICE raids.

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A federal judge ordered the immediate release of Rumeysa Ozturk, the Turkish doctoral student at Tufts University who was illegally abducted off the street by ICE nearly 7 weeks ago. The judge ruled her detention was unlawful and violated her free speech and due process rights.

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After stating that he would create a registry of those with autism, facing immense backlash, and then walking back that statement, RFK Jr. has now announced plans to create a new “real-world platform” to research the root causes of autism, allowing researchers to analyze insurance claims, electronic health records, data from wearable devices, and records from Medicare and Medicaid, and I’ll be goddamned if that doesn’t sound like n autism registry to me.

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Voice of America will begin airing content from One America News Network (OAN) under the direction of Kari Lake. OAN is widely regarded as Fox News on steroids, a fraudulent news source that broadcasts and promotes misinformation and disinformation. Major cable providers have dropped OAN, citing its promotion of outlandish falsehoods. The decision to incorporate OAN content at Voice of America is a huge leap forward for the fascist propaganda arm of the U.S. government.

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America First Legal (AFL), a conservative legal advocacy organization founded by White House deputy chief of staff and modern-day Joseph Goebbels, Stephen Miller, has filed a lawsuit against Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts in what critics describe as an attempt to bring the federal court system under executive control.

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The USFDA made the unconscionable decision to name Vinay Prasad, a doctor with zero vaccine expertise, as director of the Center for Biologics Evaluation and Research, where he will oversee—wait for it—vaccines. Prasad, like his boss RFK Jr., has recklessly advocated for removing COVID-19 vaccines from childhood immunization schedules. As CBER director, Prasad will now control the regulation of vaccines’ safety and effectiveness, oversee biological treatments including gene therapies, manage the approval process for new vaccines, supervise the Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System, and make annual decisions about influenza vaccine selection.

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A new pope was chosen. Let’s just hope JD Vance doesn’t kill him, too.

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I know how overwhelming and terrifying it is to keep up with this nightmare we’re all living through, but we can’t fight back if we don’t know our enemy. Thank you for staying informed and for trusting me to keep you up-to-date.

I’ll continue to do my best to bring you all the news you need to know, mixed with a healthy dose of righteous fury. Stay safe, my friends.

Love to all except fascist pigs,
Chris Zappa

P.S. In this dangerous political climate, independent journalists are risking their lives for telling the truth. If you value truthful reporting, please support my work with a paid subscription.

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Photo credit: Chris Boese