May 3, 2026: Weekend update: Cliffs notes for doomscrollers

Gonzo Report 147

Greetings and salutations,

Welcome to the weekend edition of Gonzo Report.

How do you feel about Sundays?

Personally, I’m not a fan of the way it signals the end of an always-over-too-soon weekend then just hands you over to Monday like a fucking kidnap victim in a poorly planned hostage exchange. Deeply, profoundly rude. Yet, here we are, staring down the barrel of another week whether we like it or not.

Too much happens on a given day, let alone in a whole week, and important stories get memory-holed before we have a chance to catch up. That’s why this newsletter exists. You surely caught many of the following stories, but a few of these got buried under an avalanche of fascist assholes and weaponized algorithms competing for your attention.

I do my best to keep you informed without flooding the zone with more noise—that’s the job of mainstream media. So, avalanche of assholes be damned—consider this a recovery effort.

This is your report for the weekend ending May 3, 2026.

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SCOTUS guts Voting Rights Act, Southern states scramble to silence Black voters
The Supreme Court’s conservative majority—six rats in robes—gutted the 1965 Voting Rights Act last week, and within 48 hours of Alito vomiting out this inexcusable decision, at least three states—Tennessee, Alabama, and South Carolina—had already called special sessions to dismantle majority-Black districts, putting at least six majority-Black Congressional seats on the chopping block. This is the deliberate erasure of the Black American vote by an institutionally racist government that has spent every decade since the act’s passage looking for ways to strip away the very rights it guarantees. BIG FUCK YOU to Alito, Roberts, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, Barrett—and two Everest-sized middle fingers to Clarence Thomas on behalf of every Black voter in AmeriKKKa.

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Mifepristone via telehealth banned, dispute headed to SCOTUS
A 5th Circuit panel of—gasp!—conservative judges has banned mifepristone—the FDA-approved, clinically safe medication used in the majority of abortions—from telehealth prescription and mail delivery nationwide, even in states where abortion is legal, forcing those in need to schedule in-person clinic visits that will hit low-income patients and those in rural areas hardest. Given that the SCOTUS conservative supermajority believes women controlling their own bodies makes Jesus cry, things don’t look good. With mifepristone access now in the hands of the same religious zealots who killed Roe, this latest affront to women’s dignity should be more than enough to have us madder than hell and marching in the streets. Again.

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Violent assault of sailor’s wife prompts $7 million suit against Navy, DOD
The wife of an active-duty sailor has filed a $7 million suit against the DoD and the U.S. Navy alleging that 10–15 sailors assaulted her outside a San Diego nightclub in 2024—stripping her naked, beating her, assaulting her genitals, recording the attack, and circulating explicit videos on the web and within the Navy community—while Naval leadership knew and failed to act. There is a naive and sickening tendency to lionize any member of the Armed Services as if simply wearing the uniform confers virtue. Anyone can wear the uniform. It’s proof of character not wardrobe that determines worthiness of honor.

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Rudy Giuliani hospitalized in critical condition
81-year-old disgraced Trump lawyer and real-life Penguin from Batman, former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani has been hospitalized in critical condition, according to a post by his spokesman on X a few hours ago. I’m sharing this not because it’s truly important or consequential, but because I get excited when traitorous sexual predators have one foot in the grave and the other steps on a banana peel.

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Judge refuses to let regime stall RFK vaccine lawsuit
Last year, HHS Secretary and man who looks like beef jerky someone left out in the sun too long, RFK Jr., attempted to ‘86’ the childhood vaccine schedule established by medical experts more than 30 years ago. Kennedy wanted to scrap the CDC’s universal recommendations that kids receive vaccines for COVID-19, flu, rotavirus, meningococcal, and hepatitis A and B. Thankfully, the American Academy of Pediatrics immediately sued. Trump regime lawyers then argued on Kennedy’s behalf that the court should pause the case while they appeal another federal order blocking this unnecessary change. And now yet another federal judge told regime attorneys to pound sand. So, yeah, things seem to be going well for the smart guy who snorted coke off dirty toilet seats and claimed he increased his GPA by becoming a heroin addict.

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ICE taps torture-accused contractor to hunt undocumented children
ICE has contracted with a private security firm, tasking it with locating undocumented children living with sponsors under the guise of “wellness checks.” This, despite the firm being credibly accused in an active federal lawsuit of abuse and torture for its role in Trump’s family separation policy during his first term. Not that we needed confirmation, but internal ICE documents reviewed by journalists confirm that “wellness checks” are code for arrest and deportation. This regime of bastards, led by Nazi Nosferatu, Stephen “Ghoul” Miller, is actively hiring monsters accused of torturing children to hunt down and kidnap more children. My only hope is that the next live mouse Stephen Miller eats gives him the rabies he deserves.

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The regime cut 4.3 million people from food stamps, then lied about why
As of today, 4.3 million Americans have been stripped of their SNAP benefits thanks to the skidmark in humanity’s underwear, Donald Trump, and his One Big Bullshit Bill—which raised the work-requirement age to 64 and stripped exemptions from homeless people and veterans. Trump’s corrupt, science-denying Agriculture Secretary, Brooke Rollins, falsely claimed that those cuts are the result of the agency “reducing fraud,” which is demonstrable bullshit. Calling mass eligibility cuts “fraud reduction” and making millions of struggling Americans go hungry is indefensible, but Rollins reportedly sleeps fine at night because she has no conscience or soul.

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Trump DOJ targets Biden administration for anti-Christian discrimination
The Trump Justice Department released a 200-page report alleging “anti-Christian discrimination” under Biden, citing as proof Biden’s support for LGBTQ+ rights, the lawful prosecution of clinic blockaders, a ridiculous, debunked claim that Biden “replaced Easter” with Transgender Day of Visibility, and a hospital fire-safety order requiring that chapel candles be shielded from patients on oxygen. The DOJ manufacturing victimhood for the most privileged and powerful religious majority in this nation is rich, given that their pants-shitting pedophile mob boss posts AI-generated images of himself as Jesus Christ on social media. Trump makes the biblical image of the Antichrist look like Ms. Rachel. (Zero offense to Ms. Rachel—I love and adore her—but, really, can you think of anyone more pure of heart?) None of the theocratic grifters who had a hand in this sham report give a single shit about Christianity beyond its utility as a cudgel to be wielded against everyone they hate.

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How Qatar bought the Trump family—and what America gave them in return
The military has officially cleared the $400 million 747 “gifted” to Trump by Qatar—with its royal interior fully intact—stating that it will serve as Air Force One no later than this summer. In exchange, Trump has pledged U.S. military protection to defend Qatar, along with a new Qatari pilot training facility at one of our military bases in Idaho. Qatar’s sovereign wealth fund is also backing a $5.5 billion Trump resort and pouring hundreds of millions into Trump son-in-law and devil incarnate, Jared Kushner’s private equity firm. Corruption? What corruption? This is all part of making America great, right?

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Trump warns of the danger of being stuck with a moron for president
Speaking to a crowd of senior citizens at a rally in The Villages, an expansive Florida retirement community, Trump argued that presidential candidates should be required to take cognitive exams so—get this—voters don’t get stuck with a moron. “I mean, you get a guy who gets in there, he's got a good line of crap. He gets in, and all of a sudden, you're stuck with a man who's a moron.” He then cited his ability to identify a bear as evidence of his own superior mental faculties, a skill shared by toddlers and most golden retrievers. Irony isn’t just dead—it’s been attacked, dragged into the woods, viciously mauled, and eaten…by the bear.

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This concludes another weekend dispatch from the crumbling American empire.

I’ll check in with you tomorrow. Thanks for reading and for being here. Everything sucks, but it would suck a lot more without you all.

Filed for the record,
–Zappa

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Democracy dies in darkness, and also in the widening gap between what independent journalists make and what they need to keep the lights on.
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