Gonzo Report 150 – May 25, 2026

If it ain’t about warrior ethos and maximum lethality, it ain’t about shit

Field notes from the crumbling American empire for Monday, May 25, 2026

This marks the 150th issue of Gonzo Report, a milestone that felt worthy of mentioning prior to launching in to whatever this edition becomes, which, let’s face it, will likely be another expletive-filled hate screed against the hateful, criminal savages in charge of this country who’ve turned it into the bleak, dystopian shithole it is today.

However, I first want to sincerely thank each one of you from the bottom of my cold, black heart for sticking with me, for reading, for all your comments and emails, and for faithfully supporting me and my work in all the ways you do. As far as this rapidly aging, rabidly raging, borderline insane, neurodivergent punk who’s trying his best to hold it together while it all falls apart is concerned, that all means more to me than you could possibly imagine.

Alright—cue abrupt transition from momentary verklemptitude to a more sustained and appropriate state of moral outrage, which, considering ((*motions around broadly at literally everything *)) is way more my speed.

In solemn remembrance of all the men and women without whom there would be no need for a Memorial Day holiday, I want to acknowledge and honor those who’ve given their lives for a country that, as of today, is wholly unworthy of both their service and sacrifice.

I’m positive that no one who fought and died for America would have ever envisioned a day when citizens who stood opposed to fascism would be labeled as domestic terrorists, but here we are. Likewise, I never thought I’d be considered a domestic terrorist by my own country, but then, life is nothing if not full of silly and unexpected bullshit, right?

And speaking of bovine excrement, this morning at 6am, Trump paid his respects to our nation’s servicemembers in his typical dignified and statesmanlike signature fashion, posting the following unifying message on Lies Social™️:

“Happy Memorial Day to all, including the Dumocrats, who disrespect our Military and all of the tremendous success that it has had over the last year.”

If that doesn’t deserve a slow clap I don’t know what does.

Such a measured and tactful message could only come from a truly steady and competent commander-in-chief. You know, the kind who isn’t a simpleminded, lowbrow, rapist douchebag, because that kind of subhuman gutter trash would likewise appoint other simpleminded, lowbrow, rapist douchebags to serve as, say, the Secretary of Defense, and only a weapons-grade-moronic jabroni would even consider such a thing.

To the contrary, those serving in our Armed Services today should consider themselves most fortunate to have real “warrior ethos”-minded, brass balls leadership with the requisite intellectual challenges for standing up against the evils of diversity, equity, and inclusion—such bravery is reserved for those who are politically incorrect, morally bankrupt, and mentally deficient enough to make the tough but necessary calls, like ordering the cancellation of hundreds of hours of once mandatory military training in “woke” DEI courses like battlefield first aid or individual-and-unit chemical, biological, radiological, nuclear (CBRN) training.

Pfft. Who needs it when maximum lethality is the name of the game?

Besides, it’s pretty much common knowledge that all troops who don’t conscientious objector out are now officially Trump troops®, an uber-mega-MAGA alpha-male, maximally lethal fighting force—not a bunch of low-T, weak sauce, nerd ass, male feminist, radical leftist, kombucha dork, mama’s boys.

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KEGSBREATH PRESS BRIEFING

ACT I

SCENE 1

A raging drunk stands behind a podium.
Gaggle of reporters. Pentagon. Mid-afternoon.

briefing begins.

HEGSETH, POINTING AT FEMALE REPORTER
“Who wants to hear a joke? You. Toots. Mousey broad who should take herself less seriously and smile more. Let’s go. Knock knock.”

REPORTER
looks around confused. points to self.
“Uh. Sorry?”

HEGSETH
“You heard me. Knock knock.”

REPORTER
sheepishly.
“Uh. Who’s…there?”

HEGSETH
smacks gum.
“Joe Biden’s woke military.”

hegseth smiles broadly. overly self-assured.

EVERYONE
sigh.

REPORTER
hesitantly.
“Joe…Biden’s…woke military…who?”

HEGSETH
“Exactly! Who? Who cares? DEI and pronouns. Men in dresses. Electric tanks. Men in dresses using pronouns in electric tanks. That’s exactly what the enemy wants! Well, no more, because under President Trump’s incredible, god-like golden leadership, our warfighters are now 100% laser focused on maximum lethality, and are now fully equipped with nuclear warheads shoved up their asses. You kill one of ours? Everyone in a 25 mile radius dies instantly. Evaporated. Poof! Gone! That is maximum lethality. That is the warrior ethos. No surrender. No quarter.
F-A-F-O.”

brief pause for anticipated yet undelivered applause.

HEGSETH
“Any questions?”

ENTIRE ROOM
groans and eye rolls.
one reporter vomits uncontrollably.

END SCENE

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I mean, seriously, what kind of dweeb needs dedicated training for “bleeding control”, “tourniquet use”, or “triaging gunshot wounds”? We spit on it, rub some dirt in, and carry on with the mission. What member of any fighting force worth their salt needs to know about half-baked nonsense like wound care, airway management, or splinting? Teach alpha-male warfighters this kind of namby-pamby bullshit and the next thing they’ll be asking about emergency evacuation procedures, basic risk management, and traumatic brain injury mitigation.

God forbid our warfighters waste precious grey matter learning about beta cuck mumbo-jumbo like resiliency training that gives them useless soy-boy coping skills which would allow them to better manage stress and adversity in actual healthy ways.

Sounds like some radical leftist, socialist, communist, Marxist, anarchist, Maoist, Leninist, Trotskyist, anti-capitalist, internationalist, critical theorist, communalist, anti-corporatist, anti-colonialist, activist, anti-fascist shit.

Like some label me as a domestic terrorist because I think MAGA sucks shit.

Well, fuck that noise.

Under Kegsbreath’s drunken command, if it ain’t about warrior ethos and maximum lethality, it ain’t about shit.

So, Merry Christmas and yipee-kiyay motherfuckers! Long gone are the days of worrying about “rules of engagement” or “international law” or “spreading democracy” or “not being racist xenophobic scum”. Not one second more will be wasted worrying about legit clown shit like “social justice approaches to conflict” or “minimizing civilian casualties” or “legal justifications” when it comes to fighting Trump wars®.

No, the real men are in charge now.

Men who are Trump-appointed, hyperextremist white nationalist Islamophobes. Men who are failed Fox News weekend hosts. Men whose hair and general demeanor is greasier than the cracked engine block of my ’08 Honda Accord. Those are the men—I mean lethal warriors—who now lead the largest, most well-funded (and did I mention maximally lethal?) military on the entire fucking planet.

It’s nothing but “maximal lethality” and “warfighting over wokeness” from here out, and if anybody has a problem with that, they can take it up with the guy who falls asleep and shits himself in the middle of press briefings.

That’s alpha male shit. Praise Jesus and pass the ammunition.

Good goddamn luck, losers and suckers.

Yer gonna fucking need it.

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