I Regret to Inform You That the Clowns Set Fire to the Big Top

Gonzo Report #104

Dear circus-goers,

Your ringmaster had to take a few days off out of necessity to handle some family business, but I’m back with a brimming backlog of bullshit guaranteed to make you shake your head in disbelief that the circus we’re all unwillingly attending is not only still in town, but that the clowns running the show have managed to set fire to the big top, prompting the elephants to stampede.

Unfortunately, as of this writing, no elephants have trampled any clowns.

Let’s roll the highlight reel on this evil extravaganza…

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ICE is Gestapo 2.0—hey, if the jackboot fits…shove it up your ass

Recently, during a commencement ceremony speech at the University of Minnesota, Governor Tim Walz said that federal ICE agents are “Trump’s modern-day Gestapo,” prompting a response from Homeland Security posted to their official X account.

It is absolutely sickening to compare ICE law enforcement agents to the Gestapo.

Attacks and demonization of ICE and our partners is wrong. ICE officers are now facing a 413% increase in assaults.

Our message is clear: DO NOT come to this country illegally. If you do, we will arrest you, deport you and you will never return.

But here’s the thing: it’s not absolutely sickening—it’s absolutely accurate. If demonizing ICE is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Fuck every last one of those masked cowards (who, I guarantee you, are all pardoned J6 domestic terrorists.) If they’re so goddamned proud of who they are and what they’re doing, why are they afraid to show their ugly faces? And are we supposed to give a shit that they’re facing a 413% increase in assaults? If true, it’s an example of violent fascist thugs getting what they deserve. As for their bullshit posturing with the “our message is clear” line, don’t piss down our necks and tell us it’s raining. You lie to our faces, telling us you’re arresting and deporting criminals—gang members, drug dealers, rapists—the worst of the worst, right? But all we see are you slamming 16-year-old females’ faces to the ground, deporting hard workers who are here legally, putting 19-year-old females in leg chains for traffic violations, deporting citizens, including 4-year-olds with cancer.

It’s not just the opinion of one governor—it’s an objective fact: ICE is the modern-day Gestapo. And if they don’t want to be compared to Nazis, maybe they should stop being Nazis, and until they do, they can all go fuck themselves.

On second thought, even if they did stop being Nazis, they can still go fuck themselves because what’s done is done. I hope they’re all haunted by their monstrous actions for the rest of their pathetic lives.

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Keep calm and drop the cucumber

Cucumbers are being recalled nationwide due to a Salmonella outbreak affecting people in 15 states: Alabama, California, Colorado, Florida, Illinois, Kansas, Kentucky, Michigan, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Virginia.

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Health policy by death panel

The idiots now in charge of the FDA plan to restrict access to COVID-19 vaccines starting this fall, approving them only for adults over 65 and for people with “certain medical conditions.”

Unsurprisingly, they have not provided a comprehensive explanation of what that means, but there was mention of conditions including obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. Healthy individuals under 65 without such risk factors will not be routinely eligible for updated vaccines. Critics argue the new criteria are overly restrictive and could deny access to people who want vaccination for personal or professional reasons.

This stupid policy marks a shift from the previous strategy of recommending annual COVID-19 shots for all Americans aged six months and older. This is further evidence of what I’ve been saying all along with regard to Trump appointing RFK Jr. to lead on public health—they want as many of us to die as possible.

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Trump’s DOJ fast-tracks American bloodshed

In further efforts to make America an even more dangerous place for us to live, the Trump regime is now allowing for the sale and possession of forced-reset triggers, devices that enable semiautomatic rifles to continuously fire at speeds similar to that of machine guns.

According to Attorney General Sham Blondi, “This Department of Justice believes that the Second Amendment is not a second-class right, and we are glad to end a needless cycle of litigation with a settlement that will enhance public safety.”

If anyone thinks that making assault weapons even more dangerous than they already are will enhance public safety, then I have some oceanfront property in Kansas I’d love to sell you. As I pointed out in the story above about this regime withholding vaccines, they want as many of us to die as possible.

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Habeas clueless

During a Senate hearing on Tuesday, ICE Barbie herself—Kristi Noem, the puppy-killing DHS Secretary with skin as smooth as the surface of Mars—finally confirmed what anyone with two brain cells to rub together already knew: she’s positively fucking clueless.

Senator Maggie Hassan lobbed her a softball—define habeas corpus.

Noem, in a display of constitutional illiteracy so profound it could only happen under this moronic regime, spat out, “It’s the constitutional right that the president has to be able to remove people from this country.”

Jesus wept.

Hassan, barely hiding her disbelief, had to explain to the walking botox disaster that habeas corpus is actually the bedrock principle that keeps the government from tossing people into prison cells without cause—a legal shield against tyranny, not a dictator’s eject button.

This is what happens when you hand power to the dumbest, most power-hungry sycophants. Noem isn’t dangerous just because she’s cruel, she’s a threat because she’s catastrophically, unapologetically stupid—a quality that’s required in Trump’s regime. It’s not enough to be heartless—you have to be astoundingly ignorant, too.

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Of press secretaries and potatoes

During a recent press conference, a reporter asked White Supremacy House press secretary KKKaroline Leavitt why Trump fired Carla Hayden, the 14th Librarian of Congress, to which Propaganda Barbie smugly replied, “We felt she did not fit the needs of the American people. There were quite concerning things that she had done at the Library of Congress in the pursuit of DEI and putting inappropriate books in the library for children, and we don’t believe that she was serving the interests of the American taxpayer well, so she has been removed from her position.”

Besides being half-baked drivel, Leavitt’s response begs the question: Does…she think…the Library of Congress functions as a…lending library for the general public? That…kids are trying to…check out copies of Gender Queer or This Book is Gay from the…Library of Congress?

I would not be surprised to learn that Karoline Leavitt has the IQ of a potato. In reality, she may not be a criminally ignorant moron with an excessive amount of unearned confidence, but she does an outstanding job of playing one on TV.

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Fool’s gold(en) dome

Trump announced his ridiculous concept for the “Golden Dome,” a multi-billion-dollar missile defense system pitched as America’s answer to Israel’s Iron Dome. It’s worth noting that such tech is feasible for Israel, a country roughly the size of New Jersey, while the U.S. is around 450 times larger.

Trump claims his Golden Dome will sport “space-based sensors and interceptors” capable of zapping down missiles launched from anywhere on Earth—even from space—and that it will be completed before the end of his term (as if he’s willingly leaving office.) Despite such fantastical claims, the Congressional Budget Office says the real price tag could be upwards of half a trillion dollars.

Experts say “such a system faces logistical and financial hurdles,” which is a Trump-friendly way of saying the insanity of such tech is closer to science fiction than reality, and that this thing could cost as much as the entire nation’s Interstate Highway System.

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This regime is a circus, but there are no trapeze artists or acrobats, no stilt walkers or high wire acts, no magicians, fire breathers, or knife jugglers. Unfortunately, there’s also no human cannonball. I can think of so many people in this regime—every one of them—that I’d love to see launched out of a cannon.

No, this circus is comprised of nothing but clowns. Some people laugh at clowns, others are scared of them, but these clowns just piss me off. They are neither funny nor frightening, despite the fact that they’re more evil than a carnival barker hustling orphans out of their lunch money.

And as if that weren’t enough, most of them are also really fucking stupid.

They stumble around, honking their own horns, tripping over their giant shoes, smearing greasepaint everywhere—just an endless slapstick routine of incompetence, buffoonery, and cruelty, played out under the most dystopian big top in American history.

Honk if you’ve had enough,
Chris Zappa

P.S. Reporting facts in this dangerous political climate is like juggling chainsaws blindfolded. If you appreciate the sideshow, please toss a coin in the hat.

P.P.S. Regarding the photo that accompanies this post: I try to keep my work AI-free, but let’s be real—when you need an image of a grotesque, nightmare-inducing Trump clown, you’ve got to let the robots do their thing.