To my fellow haters of orange dictators,
Just when you thought you got rid of me for good, here I am, coming back with a vengeance like some bad habit you thought you kicked.
I wish I could report that I went AWOL to single-handedly orchestrate an utter collapse of the fascist regime in charge, or that I was volunteering my time for some noble worthy cause, or even that I temporarily stepped back for a half-hearted stab at self-care—something I notoriously suck at—but none of that would be true.
The ugly reality is that as much as I’d love to pretend I’m some indestructible force of nature—immune to exhaustion, existential dread, and the slow, grinding entropy that comes with being a carbon-based lifeform—I’m apparently still shackled to this weak sauce meat suit. Turns out, you can only run on caffeine, spite, and righteous anger for so long before your body files a formal complaint.
This is commonly referred to as “burnout,” and it’s frequently experienced by “humans” who “push themselves too far” and “don’t get adequate rest.” And here I’ve been this whole time, heroically ignoring warning signs and common sense, convinced that burnout was just a capitalist myth invented to sell aromatherapy candles and yoga mats.
Lo and behold, the joke’s on me—burnout is real after all.
In hindsight, bearing witness to the horrors of late-stage capitalism combined with this high-octane turbocharged form of American idiocracy is a full-time job and I had been clocking overtime like a battlefield medic in a goddamn war zone.
I’ll be honest with you—I thought I could mainline unhealthy amounts of caffeine and cynicism and simply power through the inconveniences of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion, but I suddenly lost the ability to form coherent thoughts and started communicating only with monosyllabic grunts. Even still, it wasn’t until I realized that I’d been vibrating for days and that I’d gained the ability to taste colors and smell numbers that it occurred to me something was off. I knew that if I didn’t pump the brakes, I could wind up permanently stupid like the Trump kids.
To make matters worse, my personal life is currently a case study in chaos, which, by comparison, makes the Trump White House look like a well-oiled machine. And if that doesn’t make you feel better about your own life, I don’t know what will.
But hey, if I’ve learned anything from taking this road trip to hell, it’s that having you guys along for the ride makes facing the apocalypse less like turning to a self-help book for dummies and more like a group therapy session where someone always brings donuts.
Let my sabbatical from sanity serve as a cautionary tale—take care of yourself before your therapist starts sending you “thoughts and prayers” instead of appointment reminders.
Barring any plot twists or surprise visits from the Four Horsemen, please expect an immediate return to your regularly scheduled Gonzo Report.
Back on my bullshit,
Chris Zappa
P.S. They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a paid subscription to Gonzo Report, which would make me happy, so it looks like they are a bunch of dirty, rotten liars, doesn't it?
Was worried about your well being. So glad you gave yourself a much needed break. Welcome back to the apocalypse Chris!
Every time I have refreshed my inbox (which is many times a day), I have immediately scanned the newly downloaded emails for your report. I hoped you’d post something about Cheeto-man’s birthday parade big-time flop vs the No Kings Protest’s resounding success. I know those events have been overtaken by subsequent instalments of the All American Shit Show, but I’d love to read your hilarious take on it. It won’t be “old news” if it’s coming from you.
One of my worries was that some peeps might cancel their subscriptions due to the radio silence. I really hope that was not the case. I’ll keep supporting you even if you never post again (God forbid!) because I feel like I’ve already had my money’s worth in perpetuity.
“Burn out” is definitely a real thing which I hope didn’t descend into a “mental breakdown”. It sounds like you came quite close.
One classic sign of burn out is that one can’t make even the most simple decisions (Tea or coffee? Sandwich or cake?). On the other hand, a mental breakdown looks like insanity - which you have seen me display in spectacular fashion.
The best way to recover from burn out is to completely unburden yourself of all commitments. But I know that your family circumstances are such that you can’t eliminate every stressor. Well done you for making it through!
Anyway, it’s great to see you back. I missed you. ❤️