No birthday for old pedophiles

Gonzo Report 153

Field notes from the crumbling American empire for Thursday, June 18, 2026

June 14 marked the 80th birthday of Donald J. Trump, a regrettable milestone made worse by the fact that he was still alive to celebrate it.

As for the means and manner by which such a woeful occasion was marked, Dumpy’s ceremonial display befit the classless breed of plutocratic sleaze he epitomizes—tacky, tawdry, and tasteless. Money can’t buy a lot of things: class or decency, for starters.

At the behest of der Führer, millions of taxpayer dollars were wasted on the biggest all-American, white-nationalist birthday freakshow ever staged in the diseased heart of this nation’s capital. The scene of the crime was the South Lawn of the White House. It completed the transition, which began in January 2025, to turn the White House—the people’s house—into a white-trash whorehouse, no disrespect to sex workers intended.

The Orange Clown hosted a circus, dubbed “UFC Freedom 250,” which was ostensibly promoted as a “historic, patriotic celebration” held to commemorate the 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. But in reality, it was nothing more than a further embarrassment of this country on the world stage slash way to monetize Dumpy’s birthday. If you didn’t have the displeasure of watching it yourself—exclusively on Ellison-owned Paramount+—whatever you imagine a grotesque collaboration between the Trump regime and the UFC organization to be, that’s what it was.

The UFC is a low-brow, corporate fight-syndicate that strips away any honor in the practice of traditional martial arts, in favor of a barbaric bastardization of those arts—a spectacle of hyper-commercialized bloodsport fueled by big-dollar sponsors like chemical-laden energy drink companies and that liberal bastion of wokeness, Anheuser-Busch. (I just need someone to confirm: are we still blowing up cases of Bud Light with our AR-15s, or no?)

I never imagined I’d watch stunt riders doing motorcycle backflips across the White House lawn with the iconic curved portico of the Truman Balcony as their backdrop, but here we are. I couldn’t exactly focus on the stately architecture of the White House façade when giant truss banners advertising Monster Energy Drink obscured my view. It was all county fair, not vanity fair.

Turning attention back to the reason for the treason: Trump long ago highlighted the cringeworthy aspects of the nation’s culture—or lack thereof—but reaching a level of cringe “like no one’s seen before” required him to step up his game, and so, as only Dumpy can, he outraged everyone who doesn’t sleep with their sister by disrespecting the White House, the military, and the American people. Once again, he proudly showed the world that, in the summer of 2026, trashy is trending in the USA.

And what do you expect when the so-called president of the United States is a piece of shit who platforms and praises other pieces of shit like UFC fighter and subhuman trashbag Josh Hokit, who—fresh off his win that night at the White House, with the whole world watching—screamed into a microphone in fluent MAGA pigspeak: “Michelle Obama is a man.”

That night, Hokit may have won the fight, but he also taught a masterclass in How to Be a Racist Piece of Shit. I hope continuing education is in the cards for him, by which I mean that someone would teach him a lesson and then he could pass that gained knowledge on in the form of another masterclass called How to Shit Out Your Own Teeth.

One last thing and I’ve got to wrap this up: who saw Dumpy’s eldest sitting two seats away from the daddy who never loved him, taking bumps of coke out of a small plastic bag, and rubbing it on his gums? Classic Don Jr. If anyone failed to send their best and their brightest, it’s the orange hellbeast who spawned more empty-headed fuckwits just like him.

And so, Sleepy Don turned 80—for those playing along at home, that’s 29,220 days of life, not a single one spent making the world a better place in any way whatsoever. To the contrary, it’s a remarkable accomplishment to have wasted his entire life actively working to make the world a much shittier place. That’s a genuine testament to his utter lack of worth as an oxygen consumer.

Eight decades on earth, and all he has to show for it is as much human ugliness as a single biography can possibly hold.

The trashiest trash-TV star this stupid country ever coughed up was this rapist, this pedophile, this liar, this murderer—failing upward through every level of his own incompetence as wealthy white people do, until he found himself sitting in the Oval Office instead of courtrooms and prisons where he belonged.

Donald Trump’s legacy is simply this—that 99.999% of the planet waits with baited breath for the day he’s elected to rot in hell.

He can bet his fat ass nobody is stealing that election from him.