Toddler in chief wins fauxbel prize

Plus, corruption that makes Watergate seem quaint by comparison

OG Photo by Grafissimo

Welcome to your daily dispatch from the crumbling American empire.

CONTENT WARNING: Please be aware that the last story in this report contains discussion centered around sexual assault. I wanted readers to know in advance so each person can make an informed choice about reading to the end. Please prioritize your emotional safety. 🖤

This is your report for December 8, 2025.

---

1.

K IS FOR KENYA AND KICKBACKS AND KLEPTOCRACY

Despite gutting nearly $1 trillion from Medicaid and dismantling USAID, which has already killed an estimated 600,000 people globally (two-thirds of those being children), the Trump regime seemingly about-faced and suddenly cares deeply about forming health alliances with many of the nations affected by the shuttering of USAID. As a matter of fact, the first such initiative is already underway, with the U.S. government sending $1.6 billion to Kenya, funding programs to prevent and treat diseases such as HIV/AIDS, malaria, and tuberculosis.

If that sounds uncharacteristically benevolent for the Trump regime, that’s because this has as much to do with humanitarianism as architecture has to do with fucking.

Let’s put on our PPE and sift through this filth. Here's how this particularly slimy scheme works: the Kenyan government has agreed to pay $2.1 million per year to a firm named Continental Strategy, LLC. Framed as a “government relations and lobbying” firm, Continental effectively functions as a pay-to-play tollbooth for foreign governments and corporations seeking access to Trump.

But wait—there’s more.

Continental Strategy, LLC, was founded by longtime Trump ally and one-time Trump campaign advisor Carlos Trujillo. Interestingly, within days of Trump’s debatable election win, Katie Wiles, the daughter of Susie Wiles, Trump’s former campaign manager and current chief of staff, was hired on as director. And within days of Marco Rubio’s Secretary of State nomination, his former Chief of Staff Alberto Martinez accepted a role as the company’s D.C.-based managing partner. What a convenient coincidence.

In exchange for Kenyan government contracts with Continental, Trump agrees to unlock $1.6 billion in taxpayer-funded foreign aid, though crucially, the terms of this deal mandate that all foreign aid dollars be funneled to “faith-based” partners like the Christian Health Association of Kenya and the Catholic Church, specifically directing funding away from secular NGOs and toward these religious networks that align with Trump’s “Christian” base. Since Trump took office, Continental’s quarterly revenue has exploded from $300k to $6.5 million. U.S. taxpayers are unknowingly subsidizing religious-based health organizations while our own safety nets are slashed here at home.

Of crucial note: this Kenyan deal is reportedly only the first of around sixty different global health funding agreements that are currently in the works.

2.

BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP ON CHOPPING BLOCK

Lower courts have already ruled against Trump’s executive order aimed at eliminating birthright citizenship, rejecting the EO as an unconstitutional violation of the 14th Amendment’s Citizenship Clause. A responsible Supreme Court would have allowed that lower court ruling to stand, but ours—at least the conservative supermajority—has agreed to hear Trump’s appeal, thus legitimizing a fringe legal theory claiming the amendment only intended citizenship for freed slaves’ children—not for so-called “illegal aliens” or “birth tourists.” After all, what’s 127 years of constitutional precedent? We’ve already seen that SCOTUS gives as much weight to long-established precedent as it does to what they are having for lunch. The Supreme Court didn’t stumble into this—they sprinted toward it willingly. The über-conservative SCOTUS supermajority isn’t interpreting the Constitution anymore—they’re just wiping their asses with its remains and torching what’s left, all on Trump’s behalf. 127 years of precedent gone the instant it no longer serves their orange messiah and his white-nationalist agenda. Do they think their robes do anything to conceal the stench of corruption underneath? Clarence, please.

3.

BRAINWORM 1, BABIES 0

The CDC’s Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP) has been entirely reconstituted under alleged active illicit drug user RFK Jr. Among what once was a panel of vaccine experts now sits a motley crew of conspiracy theorists, anti-vaxxers, and grifters who politicize science and discredit legitimate voices in favor of pushing horse dewormer as a solution for human patients. This committee of cuckoos voted Friday to end the 34-year universal recommendation for hepatitis B vaccination at birth.

Under the new guidance issued by these quacks you wouldn’t trust to recommend a good coffee shop, now only infants born to mothers who test positive for the virus—or whose status is unknown—should now receive the shot immediately. For all others, they suggest delaying the first dose until at least two months of age—a determination plucked straight out of someone’s ass. Here are the facts: hepatitis B infections dropped nearly 90% since 1991 precisely because universal vaccination prevented the 95% of infant infections that become chronic and deadly.

Dr. Joseph Hibbeln, a member of the CDC’s Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP) who is a proponent of vaccines—i.e., he’s legit/not a fucking idiot—spoke to CNN’s Pamela Brown and confirmed what we already knew—that ACIP axing this vaccine recommendation “wasn’t based on data.”

I need your support today
Less than 2% of my readers are paid subscribers
Please help me stay afloat
SUBSCRIBE or DONATE

4.

SCROOGE IMPERILS SNAP (AGAIN)

USDA Secretary Brooke Rollins has threatened to withhold federal SNAP funding from over 20 Democratic-led states unless they surrender sensitive personal data—including Social Security numbers, birth dates, and home addresses—of millions of food stamp recipients by next week.

Rollins claims the data will help the agency “combat fraud”—a complete bullshit line you can rest assured means the opposite—but Democratic governors warn it will better enable immigration enforcement targeting vulnerable families, which is precisely what this is about. Twenty-eight largely Republican states have already complied since May, because of course they have, while over 20 million beneficiaries in non-compliant states face potential benefit loss. This extortion follows last week’s lawsuit by 21 Democratic attorneys general challenging GOP legislation blocking legal immigrants from SNAP access. The timing reveals the administration’s strategy: weaponize hunger to force data handovers that further grease the wheels for the regime’s mass deportation efforts.

5.

TODDLER IN CHIEF WINS FAUXBEL PRIZE

It’s difficult to decide which is more pathetic: the fact that FIFA President and Kiss-ass Extraordinaire Gianni Infantino invented a “Peace Prize” specifically to award Donald Trump at Friday’s World Cup draw, or Trump himself, beaming obliviously with the hubristic pride of a first grader receiving their first participation trophy for simply showing up to class, or Trump basking in the afterglow of his coveted win while doing his stupid double-fisted jerkoff dance while The Village People personally serenaded him, performing his favorite song—which will never make sense to me—1978’s smash disco hit “Y.M.C.A.”

There’s no way to choose what’s more cringeworthy, but the entire ordeal was yet another humiliating embarrassment on the world stage for Trump and for the rest of us. Unfortunately, Americans (and the rest of the world) see what a pathetic dog and pony show this was. Trump, on the other hand, was clueless—too busy being a self-indulgent and self-congratulatory narcissist. He’s characteristically oblivious to the spectacle he’s become, and that, is what’s most pathetic.

6.

SEXUAL ASSAULT ON LGBTQIA+ INMATES OK BY DOJ

The corrupt DOJ has ordered prison auditors to immediately stop enforcing key Prison Rape Elimination Act protections for LGBTQIA+ inmates, eliminating safeguards like separate shower access, bans on genital searches, and safety considerations for housing assignments—all changes that align with Trump’s executive order from January 2025, which proclaims that the United States only recognizes individuals as male or female. LGBTQIA+ inmates face six times higher sexual assault rates than cisgender prisoners. The cruelty here is transparently strategic: by suspending enforcement before officially rewriting related regulations, the administration creates a grey area of legal confusion that effectively nullifies these protections while allowing them to maintain some level of plausible deniability when, unfortunately, in the not-too-distant future, more LGBTQIA+ inmates will start being assaulted and killed and no one will be held accountable.

---

That concludes today’s report.

This one was a long time in the making. I hate to cut it short, but I’ve got to check my eyelids for cracks.

See you at the next secret meeting under the burnt-out streetlight.

From hell,
–Zappa

A subscription or donation to Gonzo Report covers operating costs and helps me feed my family. Thanks for your support from the bottom of my cold, black heart.
🖤