There’s a lot to be said for object permanence
Plus: Hooray—we’re all domestic terrorists!
I submit for the record today’s dispatch from the crumbling American empire.
It’s my hope that everyone managed to find some semblance of peace over the holidays, whatever that looks like. For months on end, many of you have been encouraging me to slow down and take better care of myself, specifically suggesting that I get more sleep, and I’m happy to report that I finally took your advice. Over the past two weeks, I’ve sacrificed time I felt I should have been working here to sleep, as if it were my job. To be transparent, I didn’t have much choice because, despite my best efforts to avoid it, burnout caught up with me and kicked my ass. All those nights I sacrificed sleep to read, research, and write, the sleep debt was silently accumulating until I reached a point where taking a break was more of a non-negotiable demand imposed on me by a mind and body that were breaking down.
I know all of us are running on fumes, and quite honestly, the regime is counting on that. They recognize exhaustion as an effective weapon. By keeping us too tired to think, too drained to fight, too anxious about survival, and too demoralized to hope, we will be easier to control. But the thing I’ve realized about burnout is that sometimes your body forces you to stop because it’s the only way to keep going, and that the flip side of burnout is bouncing back stronger. I believe we’re all due for such a rebound and that when the time comes, we’re better prepared to kick some ass. The same way one can’t sprint a marathon, one can’t fight fascism on no sleep, no matter how much willpower you summon. Pacing and endurance matter, and as much as I hate admitting it, our humanity demands self-care as a tactical necessity, not as a pointless act of self-indulgence. If only I could be part machine.
Finally, I wanted to share with you that on Christmas Day, I celebrated two years of sobriety.
Two years of choosing the hard thing every single day. Two years of staying present for every brutally depressing and demoralizing, exhausting, and maddening moment of this slow-motion fucktastrophe we call life. Two years of facing one hardship after another with clear eyes—no numbing the pain, no checking out, no instant escape hatch.
Just me, out here raw-dogging reality like some kind of goddamn psychopath on a mission to be a better version of myself.
So yeah, two years sober and still basically feral—just with better recall of where the fuck I put my keys.
This is your report for December 29, 2025.
The Lede
Remember when Trump said, “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, okay?”
We now understand why he’d say such a thing: because he’s committed acts far worse than shooting one person on Fifth Avenue, and he’s never faced a single meaningful consequence. That’s not confidence talking—it’s experience. A lifetime of escape from accountability has bred within him a dangerous delusion: an ingrained belief that he is untouchable, that consequences are for other people, that he can commit any abuse and simply walk away.
Last week, another batch of Epstein files dropped. Among the flight logs and botched redactions—internet sleuths discovered a simple copy/paste into a text file revealed what the incompetent schmucks at DoJ tried to hide—were two unclassified FBI intake reports that, if true, implicate Trump in crimes far worse than any of us imagined.
One report documents a woman’s claim that she was raped in the late 1990s by Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein after being lured to a “fancy hotel” by a woman implied to be Ghislaine Maxwell. The woman later reported the assault to police, expressed fear for her life, and was subsequently found dead in Kiefer, Oklahoma, from a gunshot wound to the head.
The other documents a tip submitted to the FBI’s National Threat Operations Center by an individual claiming to be a victim of child sex trafficking involving Trump in 1984. The complainant alleges she was trafficked by her uncle beginning at age 12 to Donald Trump and others, that she became pregnant at 13, and that her newborn was murdered by her uncle and dumped in Lake Michigan—with Trump present.
Circumstantial details in both cases could align with Trump’s known movements at the time. But perhaps the more damning truth is this: we’d believe either allegation because we know what kind of monster he is. We understand he’s capable of such things.
Will these allegations ever be proven? Almost certainly not. The institutions that might have pursued justice are now staffed by his loyalists. The man who should be answering questions under oath is instead signing executive orders from the Oval Office.
And that’s the point. Trump didn’t say he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue because he was being hyperbolic. He said it because he knows—from decades of lived experience—that there is no crime he cannot outrun, no accusation he cannot outlast, no victim whose suffering will ever matter more than his survival.
Shooting someone on Fifth Avenue wasn’t Trump showing us how low he’d go. It was us failing to grasp how low he’d already gone.
The Report
JOURNALISM = TERRORISM
A solid indicator that you live in a fascist dictatorship is when your government reclassifies the work you do as a journalist so it can label you a domestic terrorist. Unfortunately, as we round out the worst year so far in our nation’s history, this is our reality in the United States of America. It isn’t a joke or a headline from The Onion, but it is fucking insane. Back in September, in the wake of bigoted podcaster Charlie Kirk’s assassination, the Trump regime published NSPM-7, a national security presidential memorandum titled “Countering Domestic Terrorism and Organized Political Violence” which is a fascist directive that brands a wide variety of opposition as terrorism—if you are an opponent of ICE, or if you are anti-fascist, anti-Christianity, anti-capitalism, or anti-traditional-family-values, the government is training their crosshairs on you. The Guardian is now reporting that the FBI has opened domestic terrorism investigations into “anti-ICE activity,” targeting activists for even so much as an “indicator” that they’re researching ICE agents’ movements online, monitoring any public officials, or even using the encrypted messaging app Signal—in other words, activities common to basic journalism and various forms of civic accountability. Essentially, documenting government abuse is now grounds for a domestic terrorism investigation into your actions. Big Brother is coming for anyone who dares to watch them too closely. Ask yourself why that is.
NONE OF THAT JAZZ
Chuck Redd is a musical fixture in the world of jazz—equally credible as both a legendary drummer and vibraphonist, the highly respected virtuoso has played with the likes of Charlie Byrd and Rosemary Clooney, and sat deep in the pocket, grooving with the illustrious Smithsonian Jazz Masterworks Orchestra. Since 2006, he’s also hosted a free, annual Christmas Eve concert at the Kennedy Center, but this year, after Bozo the Bastard Clown illicitly slapped his cursed and reviled name on the performing arts center Congress legally designated as a memorial to President John F. Kennedy, Redd cancelled his performance in protest. As a result, Richard Grenell, the Trump-appointed Kennedy Center board president, is threatening Chuck Redd with a million-dollar lawsuit for “damages.” It’s worth noting that Grenell, a blindly loyal, brown-nosing, bootlicking bitch for Trump, was once an unregistered foreign agent for Hungarian dictator Viktor Orbán and, of course, no unqualified regime stooge’s resume would be complete without adding his status as a Fox News contributor like his fellow toadies who now serve their fascist orange master: Pete Kegsbreath, Jeanine Pirro, Sean Duffy, Janette Nesheiwat, Monica Crowley, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Tammy Bruce, Sebastian Gorka, Tulsi Gabbard, Mike Huckabee, Tom Homan, Mike Waltz, Dan Bongino, Alex Pfeiffer, Sergio Gor, Leo Terrell, and Abigail Slater—a clown car of Fox News parasites who now cosplay as legitimate public servants.
CONDÉ NASTY
An anonymous hacker dumped 2.3 million WIRED user records online—data stolen from parent company Condé Nast. Exposed for all were subscriber email addresses and display names, and for some users, their full names, phone numbers, birth dates, gender, location data, and full physical addresses were leaked. Those responsible claim WIRED is just one part of a larger Condé Nast breach, suggesting more users across other Condé Nast brands are likely compromised. Condé Nast, naturally, has been silent about how this happened, who’s responsible, or what they’re doing to protect the people whose data they failed to secure.
MOTHER IS A MONSTER
Karoline Leavitt, the regime’s top propagandist, announced she’s pregnant with her second child—a baby girl due in May 2026—and all I can think is how this poor child will have a fucking monster for a mother. Leavitt gushed about Trump fostering a “pro-family environment” in the White House and about her “gratitude to God for the blessing of motherhood.” The sheer audacity of this hypocritical bitch touting a “pro-family environment” in the White House while stormtroopers terrorize communities across the country, ripping families apart, disappearing children into concentration camps, separating mothers from their babies, and legal residents from their pregnant wives—all inhumane results of policies she defends for a living. So instead of congratulations, a simple “fuck you” feels far more appropriate, followed by a preemptive apology to Leavitt’s unborn child for the undeserved anguish that awaits her when she someday learns that her mother was a moral void in human form.
SHITBUILDER
Orange Clown announced big plans for a new “Golden Fleet” of multi-billion-dollar “Trump-class” Navy battleships that, in his words, will have “guns and missiles at the highest level,” a warship description one might expect to hear from a kindergartener. Experts assure us that such delusional plans will never actually materialize; however, Chief Petty Officer Petty Bitch asserts he will lead on fleet design. Trump claims the first ship will be named the USS Defiant, but if we’re naming vessels in his honor, a more fitting name would be the USS Pedophile.
The Rest
Brigitte Bardot, Movie Icon Who Renounced Stardom, Dies at 91
People Who Drink Bottled Water on a Daily Basis Ingest 90,000 More Microplastic Particles Each Year
The Kicker
That concludes today’s report.
Between the link I shared to the “What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?” article and Trump, the biggest asshole on earth, I realize there was a lot of ass-related content in this issue—not that this is much different from any other issue, I guess.
I’d say that I’ll do my best to make sure the next Gonzo Report has less “butt stuff,” but let’s face it, pretty much all I do is write about assholes.
Always screaming on the inside,
—Zappa
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Glad you’re doing well. Most people (including the people who voted for him) are all domestic terrorists because we’re against them. I can’t forget to add this title to my resume.
Spectacular!!! Glad you got some rest, it's going to be a long haul. Peace and happy new year to ya.