Of circle jerks and jerkoffs

Your daily dispatch from the crumbling American empire has arrived

Photo by Leo_Visions on Unsplash

Dear friends,

Welcome to another daily dispatch from the crumbling American empire.

Ruthless summaries await below for your cathartic pleasure, but before we dive in, I want to ask that if you appreciate the way I condense the chaos and verbally assault those who are most deserving of a good lashing, please consider lending your support in the form of a subscription or a one-time donation.

There are costs associated with any independently produced work, and my work here is no exception to that rule. I write for you, but the man still demands his cut. Also, kids cost a lot of money, and I have one of those.

Okay, fundraising pitch over. Thanks for understanding why that’s necessary. Let’s see what fresh hell awaits us today, shall we? After all, the abyss isn’t going to stare into itself.

This is your report for December 2, 2025.

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GESTAPO ALERT: MINNEAPOLIS
100 Gestapo agents are headed to the Minneapolis-St. Paul area to target innocent members of the Somali community, 87% of which are naturalized U.S. citizens. Get ready for dozens of swamp-rooted, mud-mouthed, snuff-spitting, mask-wearing, goat-banging, Nazi Klan members to racially profile everyone in metro MSP who isn’t Miracle Whip white. Seriously though—the uber-corrupt Supreme Court greenlit racial profiling, so all non-white residents need to exercise extreme caution, and just typing this goddamn sentence makes me want to fucking scream.

GESTAPO ALERT: NEW ORLEANS
250 Gestapo agents are headed to the Big Easy in an attempt to terrorize residents, to which I say GOOD LUCK, FUCKERS, because the people of New Orleans can handle anything—hurricanes, floods, Mardi Gras—so they will not be intimidated by a bunch of generationally inbred, Oakley-wearing, chaw-chewing, cousin-fucking Nazi Klan members.

EVIL BIRDS OF A FEATHER...
In news that shocks absolutely no one: evil regime goes to bat for evil corporation. Trump regime lawyers filed a Supreme Court brief supporting Monsanto’s effort to use federal preemption to block state-level lawsuits over Roundup’s ability to cause cancer, arguing that EPA approval shields the company from liability despite the World Health Organization classifying glyphosate, the main ingredient in Roundup, as “carcinogenic to humans.” I’m no public health expert, but advocating for the makers of a cancer-causing chemical while cutting cancer research and kicking people off their health insurance sounds to me like the opposite of making America healthy again.

COSTCO: NOW WITH FEWER IDIOTS
Bulk shopping at Costco should now be a less crowded experience: MAGA is calling for a Big Beautiful Boycott of the big box store after learning that the nation’s third-largest retailer is suing the fuck out of Trump, demanding full tariff refunds—a betrayal, in their eyes, because any challenge to their cult leader is heresy punishable by tantrum. In typical dumb-fuck Trump supporter fashion, MAGA is redirecting their business to Walmart of all places which couldn’t give less of a fuck about shielding consumers from tariff costs. But that’s MAGA for you—never in the history of ever have we seen a more vocal group of deadweight, braindead losers in possession of a larger cache of weapons-grade stupidity.

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OF CIRCLE JERKS AND JERKOFFS
Trump held a cabinet meeting today in which he bragged about himself, lied incessantly, made up figures out of thin air on everything from drug price reductions to tariff revenue, rambled incoherently about dozens of topics, at times several topics at once; he said declared that affordability “doesn’t mean anything to anybody,” which is confusing considering just last week he declared himself “the affordability president.” Make up your feeble, failing mind, D-bag. He closed the meeting as only he could do in the most presidential way possible by called Minnesota representative Ilhan Omar “garbage” and then went on to say that “Her friends are garbage and we don’t want ’em in our country. Let ’em go back to where they came from.” Truly a president for the people. Class act. Wow. Bravo. (Said no honest person ever.)

After he finished word vomiting, Trump slept for the rest of the meeting. No, I’m not kidding. That’s what happens when a 79-year-old asshole stays up all night shitposting on red hat social media.

Of course, no Trump cabinet meeting would be complete without a roundtable of nauseatingly obsequious speeches by the biggest bunch of brazen, base, bullshitting, brown-nosing, bootlicking bitches and bastards a billionaire could buy. We had to listen to fawning, ass-kissing statements from:

• Pete “I’m officially a war criminal” Kegsbreath praised Dear Leader in a totally alpha adulatory alpha-male way while—I shit you not—he sat before a placard on the conference table that read “SSecretary of War” and no, I do not think the “SS” was either accidental or a typo, but you can see him here seated next to Droopy Don

• Howard “once a slimeball, always a slimeball” Lutnick was Don-Jr.-levels of excited if you (sniff) know what I mean (sniff sniff)

• Sean “I was on MTV’s Real World reality show, now I’m in charge of planes not falling out of the sky” Duffy

• JD “literally everyone hates me” Vance

• Kristi “Live, Laugh, Nazi” Noem

• Brooke “I can only get off when I take away people’s SNAP benefits” Rollins

• Doug “I brake for pedophiles (but hate women and gays)” Collins

• Linda “confuses AI for A1 but still oversees education LOL” McMahon

• Marco “I may be a self-loathing, Dumbo-eared little bitch but I’m never, ever, ever coming out of the closet” Rubio

• Doug “mayonnaise is more interesting” Burgum and, last but certainly not least...

• Robert F. “A worm ate my brain and now I’m going to kill Americans with the grating sound of my goddamned voice and/or by taking away your vaccines” Kennedy

Good god, we live in hell.

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That concludes today’s report.

You probably need to decompress and dissociate for a bit after reading that. Hell, I wrote it and I’ve had root canals that were less painful. So, be excellent to yourselves and to one another. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Thanks for being here. Yes, you.

See you tomorrow.

Later alligators,
–Zappa

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